>.<

i've been learning more about myself lately. here are some of them:

... i lean more towards the pessimistic and cynical side ...
... i have only a little bit of faith on people. i found out most of it have been placed on myself. if there's anyone who won't fail me, it's myself. :-\ but i did learn that there's a part of me that seriously wants to reach out and be reached out to ...
... i hide behind indifference ...
... i dislike being micromanaged or overshadowed or operating on someone else's schedule ...
... i'm still waiting for God to show me ...
... i'm a pretty good liar. and i'm not lying right now ...
... i feel bad for myself -- i have to hear my thoughts ALL the freakin time. i know that sounds crazy, but seriously, sometimes this brain goes on overdrive! ...

that's all i want to share.
L

:)

quote of the day (from stumbling online)

Sephira

I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft.

God, You are definitely awesome.

yet another long day. sighs.
but God never fails to lift me up somehow. :D

J, this blog is for you. I haven't got much to say but I do agree that bloggerland has been semi-abandoned these past several (?) weeks. so i'm blogging now about how mundane my life is (90% work) with tidbits of really amusing and grin-inducing moments. can't complain, really.

looking forward to what God has for me tomorrow.
L

I like this picture. It was of the cousins, taken at the University of the Philippines in Los Banos. I don't know which one is me. Haha.

L

rock climbing 090521

good times. :)
we gotta do this again!

btw why am i always in this awkward pose??
hehe.
L

lookie! old twinnie pic!

can you tell which one is moi?

teehee. K, don't say anything. :D

so apparently when i was little, i looked sickly and i was always crying my tear glands dry. my family's theory is that my sister, who was a bit stronger than i was, always took stuff from me -- like food or milk -- so i was skinnier and more temperamental. *shrugs*

my family also called me "maldita" (loose translation: mean, snobby. it's actually a spanish word for wicked or the devil. eeks.) i think i'm still "maldita". my bro-in-law can attest to that. :D whoever thinks that i can't be mean... well, you've got a lot to learn about me. haha.

anywhos... i miss our old PI house. sometimes i google its address just to look at the neighborhood... it brings up so many memories -- both pleasant and unpleasant. i remember the gate that blocked my sister and i from joining the playing kids outside. the chico and kaymito trees whose fruits end up mostly on the ground. the house that was decorated with Christmas lights year-round... my sister and i used to turn them on and pretend that we were newscasters or singers. the orchids that my mom canNOT grow -- she swears they hate her. the old-school TV, stereo, electric fan. the sofas that we weren't allowed to sit on. the stuffed toys that hid behind their plastic bags. the little alley maybe seven or eight houses up the street that we used to cross to get to the store that sold ice candy. the RC church at the end of the street where we lit candles (i don't know if those were free) instead of paying attention to the sermon. so much come to mind but i'll stop there. :D

sighs.

i loved that segment of my life.
but i love my life now too.
wherever i end up in the future, i know i'll google my old SD addresses too... just to remember and appreciate where i've been. it's the SD era. :)

L

i've got twenty mins...

... til my spin is done. freakin A. i should have friday off for this. :)

hmm... something random. the last time i blogged i had two oreos on my desk. today i have three. uneaten. oreos. they're probably stale now. dunno how long it's been sitting there. you'd think by this time i would've thrown them out but i actually like thinking that i have self-control... that i don't always devour cookies when they're right there under my nose. of course, i know it's not really self-control that's preventing me from eating them. more like there was no milk available when i purchased it so i could only get myself to eat the first three without choking then i probably thought to myself "i'll finish these later" but just never got to them again -- and now they're too stale to eat. :D

107-106. what the freakin crap happened?? pull it together Cavs. i want a free dinner at PF Changs. bwahaha.

oh no. i've caught sight of CCT's treats on his desk. biscottis, popcorn, and rolled wafers. i wonder if this counts as an emergency. he did say to call him if i need anything... hmm... i wonder if he counts his snacks before he leaves. will he notice? gah. ok... it IS definitely way too late and my brain and morals have shut down. i'm actually thinking of stealing a snack. maybe i SHOULD eat the oreos.

oh what a dilemma.
L

... because everyone else is doing it...

... i'm gonna blog too.

* i fall in love with the idea of a chuck bass every monday. fave quote of the night: "i did. 150 times."
** fifty years from now, i want to look back and say "i chose not to be comfortable."
*** i am NOT ready to run the 5k on saturday. sighs.
** i do not want to engage in a one-way conversation about anything, whether it be about politics or God. so unless you're willing to listen, please do not attempt to talk to me.
* i have two oreo cookies (thanks JV!) sitting on my desk and i have NOT eaten them. i think i have a serious problem.

that's all.
L

should i have recycled that? haha

so i finally ripped that page off my pink Bible and threw it away. i didn't feel anything when i did it; i don't feel anything now (almost 24 hours later). it's almost as if i had no connection to whatever was in that page. almost as if the person who received that note was another person who lived in another lifetime. i definitely don't think about that time. it's not a pleasant place for my mind to wander into. i would say it's comfortably buried in a box under a pile of more boxes, in a safe, in a closet that is in the attic of my mind. yeah.

anywhos... that's all. :D
L

a much-needed bath :)

Psalm 51

From the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

***

my off moments

"It may be that there are saints who are always at their best, and are happy enough never to lose the light of their Father's countenance. I am not sure that there are such persons... and I have not traversed that happy land. Every year of my life has had a winter as well as a summer, and every day its night... I confess that though the substance be in us, as in the teil-tree and the oak, yet we do lose our leaves, and the sap with us does not flow with equal vigor at all seasons."
Charles Spurgeon

***

I have a lot of "off" moments. Moments when I allow the enemy to invade my mind and sow dark thoughts about myself, about my relationships with others, and about my relationship with God. Moments when I feel very far away from God or from what God wants me to be. Moments when I'm more ashamed of than in love with Jesus. Moments when I feel like I don't have it together, when I can't quite understand my faith let alone defend it. Moments when I fail to claim the joy that God graciously offers or when I unfairly accuse Him of withholding things from me. I would keep going but you get the gist right?

But I don't think God is focusing on my off moments as much as I am. He doesn't tire of my whining, my complaining, my fighting and resisting Him, my being stubborn and unkind and snotty. Heh... In fact, I think He fights for me. He whoops the enemy's a** when the dude's trying to feed me evil thoughts. He assures me and comforts me when I feel as though I'm not good enough. He still loves me and courts me even when I'm entertaining other "lovers"... He wants me back and He wants be back badly. :) He's patient and understanding and He will never give up on me. Neither will He let me give up just because of said off moments.

When I decided to follow Jesus, I was not promised an easy and off-moment-less life. So I don't expect one. But I do expect a fulfilling life, one with nights and days and winters and summers WITH my Jesus.
My, how lovely that sounds. :)

~L.

prayer and thoughts

"in the chaos and confusion, i know You're sovereign still..."

Praise be to God, the only God. You are sovereign over this earth and beyond. You created this earth and everything in it and You hold it together and preserve Your creation. You are awesome and powerful and majestic... I am limited by my finite mind... I cannot truly comprehend or express how GOOD You are but I WILL lift Your Name as high as I can. You deserve all the praise and the glory.

Father, we live in a broken world. It's full of chaos and confusion. BUT You are sovereign. I trust in Your power to heal and mend our brokenness. Extend Your hand, Father, Your healing hand. Heal our hearts and our souls. Heal the wounds that divide us, that consume us to the point of hurting each other. Heal the nations and their people -- take away the greed, the corruption, the pride, the irresponsibility. Provide for Your people -- the awareness, the initiative, the ways in which we can be Your instruments. Call upon Your people and have Your Spirit move within us to help end the brokenness that we see all around us -- to help end abuse, poverty, crime against the helpless, inequality, and hunger. Move in us and through us. Send us and use us. Wake us from the slumber we are in so we can bring Your Kingdom here in on earth, so we can Love and Bring the people to You. Stir in our hearts the desire to help, to be the change we long to see in this world. We are your vessels and we must be used for Your glory. So Father, do Your will -- Your good and perfect will.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

***

I woke up at 730am. On a Saturday. Meh.

Anywhos, I'm sitting in front of my laptop and right next to it is a pile of books that I'm trying to make myself brave enough to tackle. One book is "Understanding the Bible" (courtesy of RVN) and the other is "Systematic Theology Volume I" (courtesy of JJ). Yes, yes, it does appear that I'm slowly morphing into a creature hungry for knowledge. This is good and bad. Good because I get to learn more. Good because I'm actually reading. Bad because the pitfall of pursuing knowledge is mistakenly equating it to wisdom. The pursuit of knowledge for the wrong reasons will lead me nowhere. So I MUST keep in mind that there are things I will never understand, things I don't need to understand, and things that only God with His infinite knowledge can comprehend. SOOOO... there. I think I'm ready to read now. Bwahaha.

~L.

teehee

So gross but so cute. Bah!

Leading SG tonight! Come!

:)
~L

my rant

I'm bitter. No, I did not just taste myself. *rolls eyes*

I think I've found myself in this weird place in most of my relationships where I want to receive love but in order to get love I need to give it and I just can't find it in myself to give it any more than I'm doing right now. What a dilemma. In romantic relationships, this leads to the "falling out of love" phase and then eventually, the break up. I'm very aware of what I'm doing... I'm neglecting because I feel neglected. How can this be helped? Ah, yes, I'll blog about it. Maybe by "talking" it out I will somehow find the solution to this dilemma?

Well, if someone figures it out, can you let me know? So tired of thinking about it.

Anyways, I think I'm selfish. Aren't we all? :)
I think negatively of people sometimes. I doubt them when they say they care. I don't need to hear it though.
"Doesn't anyone know me but at all?" That might've been uttered by either Monica or Chandler.
My love language is definitely not words of affirmation. :D Kudos to you if you know my actual love language. Because even I am not sure. How should you know? Haha.

Well I think I'm done.
Ciao.
L

my identity

I heard a very timely message today. Timely because I needed to hear it.

I like it when KS preaches at FBF. He's just so on fire for Jesus and you can feel it. He had his twenty pages of notes up on the pulpit, sweating bullets as usual and telling the congregation about what God has shown him. He's had tons of encounters with God.. but when he tells us of these encounters, he always prefaces it with "I don't want to sound all mystical..." I really don't see the problem with sounding mystical but I think it's the elders in the church that don't want the "mysticism." Anyway... KS' voice wakes one up. Not that I was dozing off but it's that loud and powerful. Plus he bounces around the pulpit and looks people right in the eyes to engage everyone. One can feel that he really wants everyone to see what He's seen and hear what he's heard.

I saw and I heard.
Praise God.

Because I think God spoke to me through this message.
I can't tell you how much I've been obsessing over what to do as my ministry. I've been racking my brain to come up with my natural gift... to have something to do for God. Is it teaching or a certain type of outreach or giving encouragement? How do I know? What do I have to do to find out? Where do I have to be to find out? Am I at the right place? Is this the right time to "start" a ministry? Seriously it's been like this for a while. I whine about it too. Ask KV and BV. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I've been soooo preoccupied with figuring out what my ministry is.

But God said, through KS...

"Don't make ministry your identity. First and foremost, your identity is being My child. I love you for who you are, not for what you do. I loved you even before you came to Me... what makes you think doing something will make Me love you more? I want you to know Me, appreciate Me, and follow Me... and in so doing, you'll be in ministry."

Ministry is the manifestation of the knowledge of God in our lives. We don't come up with a ministry... it should naturally flow out of us. When we know God intimately and encounter Him daily in our walks, ministry happens through us. We give off the "scent of God." People see Him and experience God's love that was first in Jesus and now in us, through us.

Jesus' ministry was to make God known.
Everything else (the feeding of the masses, the healings, the miracles, etc) were the means he used to make us understand God's love, compassion, mercy, grace, patience, etc. Jesus, being God but in human form, was limited to only a portion of people and in his short time here on earth. But Jesus' ministry is not done. He wants us to continue it...
That is our ministry. TO MAKE GOD KNOWN.
But before we can go about doing the great commission, we MUST obey the great commandment. And that is to love God with all our being. In loving God, we get to know Him intimately. In knowing Him, we manifest Who He is in our lives.

So... now what?
Well for sure, I won't be obsessing about finding a ministry anymore. It is not to be found after all. It is not to be figured out either. What I'm called to do is love Him, know Him, and surrender to Him. Hey, those things are not as simple as they sound. To love Him is to not love myself. (We all know how absurdly difficult that is. Haha) To know Him means reading His Word and communicating with Him. (Not so difficult but something I still need to work on.) To surrender to Him means not being in control... not having everything figured out... just completely trusting Him. (Gah! I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.) Surrendering is NOT easy. I don't care if there is someone out there who thinks this is a piece of cake. It is NOT easy. It's something I have to do every freakin second of the day... and even then, I still don't think I've surrendered completely. But! There is hope. We do serve a God Who is infinitely patient and gracious and loving. He hasn't given up on me, why should I give up on myself?

So... wow, this blog is long. Haha.
In short... I love God (most of the time), I want to know God (but it'll take effort) and I have to surrender to Him and His Will in my life (which is a moment-by-moment thing.) OMG! That's my ministry!

I have never loved God more than in this moment.
(Which will probably be false tomorrow when I encounter Him again.)
This is freakin amazing.

Good night,
L

spoiled

"[Our] problem is not that God is not fulfilling, [our] problem is that [we] are spoiled."
-- Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Too many times, I've put God in a box... or more like a bottle. Because in my head he's a genie... someone who will do whatever I ask or expect of him. He loves me and wants to win me over... ergo... he will do anything that I want. So i rub and rub and ask and ask... and I end up disappointed. And so I go about complaining about him and how he doesn't listen and how he must not care or love me... and I become bitter and doubtful and resentful of him. Of course, I also often refuse to admit that it's my fault. It's the pride thing. "I cannot be wrong... why is it always my fault? Why do I have to be the one to approach him? Why do I have to apologize... for wanting things? For asking for things? For expecting more?"

He's sad when I do that. I know... because there are times when I miss him and it hurts... and I know he really really wants to just spend time with me because he misses me too. I pout and I whine and I cross my arms in front of me, glaring at him... but all he does is look at me with those puppy eyes telling me to walk back over.. to just talk to him... so he can tell me why and how there's a purpose for me not getting the things that I want... and there's a reason why I don't have or can't or am not. He's waiting to tell me that he can't wait to give me all these good things if i would just let go of the things that I think are good for me but in reality are not. He wants to remove all the things that come between us and give me blessings -- those that I can use for his glory and those that I can use to bless other people as well.

The thing is I'm spoiled. Of course, he still loves me even though I'm a brat. But God will not change to please me. God will not give me things that he knows are bad for me or grant me things when the time is not ready. He wants me to know that.... and take him out of the bottle/box... and just walk with him and know him and love him. "And then all these things will be added to me." And then there will be fulfillment and joy. I want that. :)

L

community

Tonight, I heard a brother pray something that touched my heart. He prayed about eliminating "cliques" and strengthening relationships within and outside the church community. He prayed for God to give us BIG hearts, hearts that house not only our own interests, but the interests of those around us as well. Hearts that reach out to those who need reaching out the most. He prayed for sensitivity; for us to hear the calls of those whose voice we may not hear because we aren't paying that much attention.

This touched me. Because I know what it's like to be outside of a community. I know what it's like to "feel" like I'm outside a community. But I also know what it's like to be a part of one and how wonderful and blessed it can feel.

It's possible to be in one and feel like you're not. Seriously.
Because I've felt that way. Sometimes I still do. See, here's one of the most vulnerable parts of my wall: that part of my mind that thinks that no one cares. I'm sure that's not just me. I'm sure there are quite a few people out there who think that, even if it's a wrong assumption, that the community will get along just fine without them. It's so easy to think that since no one calls or checks in or visits, that no one must care. At least not enough to pick up the phone or drive up here. It's also very easy to stop caring about it... to stop wanting to be reached out to... and eventually to stop wanting to be in the community altogether. It's easy... but it hurts. Because part of being human is wanting to be in communion with others. We survive in packs, so they say. And without the pack, an individual is weak and vulnerable and very lonely. Without community, it's easy to get into trouble and lose our ways.

Which is why it's so important to reach out to others. It doesn't matter who it is. It may be the person whom you see ALL the time or the person you see the least of. It may be the person you think is part of the "crew" or the person who only shows up once in a while. I'll tell you this: a smile to me or a "how are you?" goes a REALLY freakin long way. I have a good friend who made another friend cry just by saying "how are you?" ((winks)) Want to go further than that? Go visit a person you don't normally hang out with. Give someone a call; ask him/her how he/she is doing.

It feels good to feel like you're in a community, right? But if it's too comfortable, then you're not doing enough to reach out to others. We can all keep praying about getting rid of cliques. OR we can be like Nehemiah and do this: pray AND act. Change starts with us. So not only pray, but do. Have a big heart. Think of others. Share with others. Pray with others. Fellowship with others. Be sensitive. It's really not enough to want change... we have to act on it. We have to challenge ourselves and be the change we want to see.

I've always wondered what kind of ministry I'll be called to do. And I feel like I'm walking into one right now. But hey, it's not a one-person ministry. Not at all. We're all called to do this: to fellowship with and serve each other lovingly. Actually, it might not even be a ministry, per se. It's "the Christian life," isn't it?

***

LYN

i want to find my ocean...

Here's an excerpt from a book I just started reading...

Once upon a time there lived a sea lion who had lost the sea.
He lived in a country known as the barren lands. High on a plateau, far from any coast, it was a place so dry and dusty that it could only be called a desert. A kind of coarse grass grew in patches here and there, and a few trees were scattered across the horizon. But mostly, it was dust. And sometimes wind, which together make one very thirsty. Of course, it must seem strange to you that such a beautiful creature should wind up in a desert at all. He was, mind you, a sea lion. But things like this do happen.
How the sea lion came to the barren lands, no one could remember. It all seemed so very long ago. So long, in fact, it appeared as though he had always been there. Not that he belonged in such an arid place. How could that be? He was, after all, a sea lion. But as you know, once you have lived so long in a certain spot, no matter how odd, you come to think of it as home.

I don't want to be that sea lion.
But the question is, where am I and how do I get to the ocean?

LYN