my rant

I'm bitter. No, I did not just taste myself. *rolls eyes*

I think I've found myself in this weird place in most of my relationships where I want to receive love but in order to get love I need to give it and I just can't find it in myself to give it any more than I'm doing right now. What a dilemma. In romantic relationships, this leads to the "falling out of love" phase and then eventually, the break up. I'm very aware of what I'm doing... I'm neglecting because I feel neglected. How can this be helped? Ah, yes, I'll blog about it. Maybe by "talking" it out I will somehow find the solution to this dilemma?

Well, if someone figures it out, can you let me know? So tired of thinking about it.

Anyways, I think I'm selfish. Aren't we all? :)
I think negatively of people sometimes. I doubt them when they say they care. I don't need to hear it though.
"Doesn't anyone know me but at all?" That might've been uttered by either Monica or Chandler.
My love language is definitely not words of affirmation. :D Kudos to you if you know my actual love language. Because even I am not sure. How should you know? Haha.

Well I think I'm done.
Ciao.
L

my identity

I heard a very timely message today. Timely because I needed to hear it.

I like it when KS preaches at FBF. He's just so on fire for Jesus and you can feel it. He had his twenty pages of notes up on the pulpit, sweating bullets as usual and telling the congregation about what God has shown him. He's had tons of encounters with God.. but when he tells us of these encounters, he always prefaces it with "I don't want to sound all mystical..." I really don't see the problem with sounding mystical but I think it's the elders in the church that don't want the "mysticism." Anyway... KS' voice wakes one up. Not that I was dozing off but it's that loud and powerful. Plus he bounces around the pulpit and looks people right in the eyes to engage everyone. One can feel that he really wants everyone to see what He's seen and hear what he's heard.

I saw and I heard.
Praise God.

Because I think God spoke to me through this message.
I can't tell you how much I've been obsessing over what to do as my ministry. I've been racking my brain to come up with my natural gift... to have something to do for God. Is it teaching or a certain type of outreach or giving encouragement? How do I know? What do I have to do to find out? Where do I have to be to find out? Am I at the right place? Is this the right time to "start" a ministry? Seriously it's been like this for a while. I whine about it too. Ask KV and BV. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I've been soooo preoccupied with figuring out what my ministry is.

But God said, through KS...

"Don't make ministry your identity. First and foremost, your identity is being My child. I love you for who you are, not for what you do. I loved you even before you came to Me... what makes you think doing something will make Me love you more? I want you to know Me, appreciate Me, and follow Me... and in so doing, you'll be in ministry."

Ministry is the manifestation of the knowledge of God in our lives. We don't come up with a ministry... it should naturally flow out of us. When we know God intimately and encounter Him daily in our walks, ministry happens through us. We give off the "scent of God." People see Him and experience God's love that was first in Jesus and now in us, through us.

Jesus' ministry was to make God known.
Everything else (the feeding of the masses, the healings, the miracles, etc) were the means he used to make us understand God's love, compassion, mercy, grace, patience, etc. Jesus, being God but in human form, was limited to only a portion of people and in his short time here on earth. But Jesus' ministry is not done. He wants us to continue it...
That is our ministry. TO MAKE GOD KNOWN.
But before we can go about doing the great commission, we MUST obey the great commandment. And that is to love God with all our being. In loving God, we get to know Him intimately. In knowing Him, we manifest Who He is in our lives.

So... now what?
Well for sure, I won't be obsessing about finding a ministry anymore. It is not to be found after all. It is not to be figured out either. What I'm called to do is love Him, know Him, and surrender to Him. Hey, those things are not as simple as they sound. To love Him is to not love myself. (We all know how absurdly difficult that is. Haha) To know Him means reading His Word and communicating with Him. (Not so difficult but something I still need to work on.) To surrender to Him means not being in control... not having everything figured out... just completely trusting Him. (Gah! I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.) Surrendering is NOT easy. I don't care if there is someone out there who thinks this is a piece of cake. It is NOT easy. It's something I have to do every freakin second of the day... and even then, I still don't think I've surrendered completely. But! There is hope. We do serve a God Who is infinitely patient and gracious and loving. He hasn't given up on me, why should I give up on myself?

So... wow, this blog is long. Haha.
In short... I love God (most of the time), I want to know God (but it'll take effort) and I have to surrender to Him and His Will in my life (which is a moment-by-moment thing.) OMG! That's my ministry!

I have never loved God more than in this moment.
(Which will probably be false tomorrow when I encounter Him again.)
This is freakin amazing.

Good night,
L

spoiled

"[Our] problem is not that God is not fulfilling, [our] problem is that [we] are spoiled."
-- Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Too many times, I've put God in a box... or more like a bottle. Because in my head he's a genie... someone who will do whatever I ask or expect of him. He loves me and wants to win me over... ergo... he will do anything that I want. So i rub and rub and ask and ask... and I end up disappointed. And so I go about complaining about him and how he doesn't listen and how he must not care or love me... and I become bitter and doubtful and resentful of him. Of course, I also often refuse to admit that it's my fault. It's the pride thing. "I cannot be wrong... why is it always my fault? Why do I have to be the one to approach him? Why do I have to apologize... for wanting things? For asking for things? For expecting more?"

He's sad when I do that. I know... because there are times when I miss him and it hurts... and I know he really really wants to just spend time with me because he misses me too. I pout and I whine and I cross my arms in front of me, glaring at him... but all he does is look at me with those puppy eyes telling me to walk back over.. to just talk to him... so he can tell me why and how there's a purpose for me not getting the things that I want... and there's a reason why I don't have or can't or am not. He's waiting to tell me that he can't wait to give me all these good things if i would just let go of the things that I think are good for me but in reality are not. He wants to remove all the things that come between us and give me blessings -- those that I can use for his glory and those that I can use to bless other people as well.

The thing is I'm spoiled. Of course, he still loves me even though I'm a brat. But God will not change to please me. God will not give me things that he knows are bad for me or grant me things when the time is not ready. He wants me to know that.... and take him out of the bottle/box... and just walk with him and know him and love him. "And then all these things will be added to me." And then there will be fulfillment and joy. I want that. :)

L