should i have recycled that? haha

so i finally ripped that page off my pink Bible and threw it away. i didn't feel anything when i did it; i don't feel anything now (almost 24 hours later). it's almost as if i had no connection to whatever was in that page. almost as if the person who received that note was another person who lived in another lifetime. i definitely don't think about that time. it's not a pleasant place for my mind to wander into. i would say it's comfortably buried in a box under a pile of more boxes, in a safe, in a closet that is in the attic of my mind. yeah.

anywhos... that's all. :D
L

a much-needed bath :)

Psalm 51

From the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

***

my off moments

"It may be that there are saints who are always at their best, and are happy enough never to lose the light of their Father's countenance. I am not sure that there are such persons... and I have not traversed that happy land. Every year of my life has had a winter as well as a summer, and every day its night... I confess that though the substance be in us, as in the teil-tree and the oak, yet we do lose our leaves, and the sap with us does not flow with equal vigor at all seasons."
Charles Spurgeon

***

I have a lot of "off" moments. Moments when I allow the enemy to invade my mind and sow dark thoughts about myself, about my relationships with others, and about my relationship with God. Moments when I feel very far away from God or from what God wants me to be. Moments when I'm more ashamed of than in love with Jesus. Moments when I feel like I don't have it together, when I can't quite understand my faith let alone defend it. Moments when I fail to claim the joy that God graciously offers or when I unfairly accuse Him of withholding things from me. I would keep going but you get the gist right?

But I don't think God is focusing on my off moments as much as I am. He doesn't tire of my whining, my complaining, my fighting and resisting Him, my being stubborn and unkind and snotty. Heh... In fact, I think He fights for me. He whoops the enemy's a** when the dude's trying to feed me evil thoughts. He assures me and comforts me when I feel as though I'm not good enough. He still loves me and courts me even when I'm entertaining other "lovers"... He wants me back and He wants be back badly. :) He's patient and understanding and He will never give up on me. Neither will He let me give up just because of said off moments.

When I decided to follow Jesus, I was not promised an easy and off-moment-less life. So I don't expect one. But I do expect a fulfilling life, one with nights and days and winters and summers WITH my Jesus.
My, how lovely that sounds. :)

~L.

prayer and thoughts

"in the chaos and confusion, i know You're sovereign still..."

Praise be to God, the only God. You are sovereign over this earth and beyond. You created this earth and everything in it and You hold it together and preserve Your creation. You are awesome and powerful and majestic... I am limited by my finite mind... I cannot truly comprehend or express how GOOD You are but I WILL lift Your Name as high as I can. You deserve all the praise and the glory.

Father, we live in a broken world. It's full of chaos and confusion. BUT You are sovereign. I trust in Your power to heal and mend our brokenness. Extend Your hand, Father, Your healing hand. Heal our hearts and our souls. Heal the wounds that divide us, that consume us to the point of hurting each other. Heal the nations and their people -- take away the greed, the corruption, the pride, the irresponsibility. Provide for Your people -- the awareness, the initiative, the ways in which we can be Your instruments. Call upon Your people and have Your Spirit move within us to help end the brokenness that we see all around us -- to help end abuse, poverty, crime against the helpless, inequality, and hunger. Move in us and through us. Send us and use us. Wake us from the slumber we are in so we can bring Your Kingdom here in on earth, so we can Love and Bring the people to You. Stir in our hearts the desire to help, to be the change we long to see in this world. We are your vessels and we must be used for Your glory. So Father, do Your will -- Your good and perfect will.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

***

I woke up at 730am. On a Saturday. Meh.

Anywhos, I'm sitting in front of my laptop and right next to it is a pile of books that I'm trying to make myself brave enough to tackle. One book is "Understanding the Bible" (courtesy of RVN) and the other is "Systematic Theology Volume I" (courtesy of JJ). Yes, yes, it does appear that I'm slowly morphing into a creature hungry for knowledge. This is good and bad. Good because I get to learn more. Good because I'm actually reading. Bad because the pitfall of pursuing knowledge is mistakenly equating it to wisdom. The pursuit of knowledge for the wrong reasons will lead me nowhere. So I MUST keep in mind that there are things I will never understand, things I don't need to understand, and things that only God with His infinite knowledge can comprehend. SOOOO... there. I think I'm ready to read now. Bwahaha.

~L.

teehee

So gross but so cute. Bah!

Leading SG tonight! Come!

:)
~L