the present

If it's purity you crave, buy a fancy diamond. The last thing we need in Washington is more ideological rigidity, litmus testing, and inaction caused by egotistical refusal to bend.

Jon Keller blogs regularly for WBZ-TV Boston at Keller @ Large

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Sometimes I feel like I'm just running aimlessly. I haven't the slightest idea where I'm being led or am being guided to. Most of the time, I trust that I'm headed for something "good and perfect;" but other times I get scared that I'm just wasting my life, doing what I'm doing now. And I'm not just talking about my job; I'm talking about my whole life.

The drive that normally feels like forever was a lot shorter today. It still took me an hour and a half, but I was very occupied with thoughts of a lot of semi-random things. Most of them were memories... of the Philippines when I was growing up, of my first year in college at UCSD, of the first time I met the people I hang out with regularly now, etc. I can't explain why, but there were moments when a wave of sadness would overcome me. ((shrugs)) I miss the past, I guess?

Even now, I'm trying really hard not to entertain

1. the fear of the uncertainty of the future and

2. the sad longing for the past.

I know I have to do it, but I'll be the first to admit that it's difficult to focus on just today. It's hard not to worry and it's hard not to think of the "what could've beens" and the "what ifs." But come to think of it, I guess it'll be more of a waste of my life if spend it doing those things. Sighs. Jesus, I'll be here listening and waiting ok? Just tell me where to go, what to do, which cross to take up. Yell at me, if You have to. Well, who am I kidding? Not if... You really have to yell it out to me. I know You have so much more in store for me. It's gotta be more than what I am or am not... it's more than what I have or don't have... it's more than what I'm doing or not doing... You got me in Your hands. So I'm good.

I'll try hard not to be scared or lonely in the meantime. You let me know when I'm ready to know. I'll just trust that that time will come. And I'll trust that what that is, well, it will just blow my mind.

<3